Friday, October 14, 2011

"Taters for Tots" Campaign

United Nations Special envoy to "Taters For Tots"
Spud Light-year

The United Nations unveiled its latest campaign this week to end Galactic malnutrition by providing genetically enriched tubers to under developed colonies. The newly developed Couch Potato grows to tremendous size in little to no sunlight, requires very little nutrient enrichment and can be all but forgotten by its caretakers. "The things will practically wilt in the open sunlight but most of the colonies we're helping are on half lit worlds on the edge of space. We were originally trying to develop a bio-genetic battery to power pacemakers starting with the DNA sequence that gives the common baking potato its 1.2volts of natural chemical electricity. Our research assistant absentmindedly left the protoplasmic suspension chamber exposed to a monitor broadcasting a marathon of Zero-G Dancing with the Stars over spring break. When we got back to the lab. we had to dig our way in."

(Above: MIT scientist test pallet-ability of genetically engineered Couch Potato)

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Mexican Space Program Denied

Accusations were flatly denied by the Mexican Government today of any possession or future plans to buy or build a standing space program for the military or civil application." The recent attacks on military and civilian installations being financed by our impoverished nation is completely Loco..." commented El Presedente Phillip Ricardo Del Juan Jesus Chavez Monte Carlos. After the former Latin American nation filed chapter eleven in a San Antonio court room in 2012, the country's net worth was assessed and revalued at 20billion Pesoes or the equivalent of 1,600 us dollars and 32 cents. After the intial public auction failure listed on Cristie's/EBay and creditors refusal to sell just the Island of Cozumel to a displaced Inuit village, the country was placed under the reorganization council of the Non Profit Les Getz's

" The initial problem with the Mexican central government is they have no GNP. Lets face it, the chief export of Mexico is their own population and you can't very well tax a citizenry in another country write? Write. You can however devalue your currency to the point that people will pay you to not have to maintain an exchange rate. Just last year we launched a currency exchange software that converts all foreign currency that passes through our borders to the atomic weight of the peso or the intrinsic value of a bag of sand which ever is currently higher on the commodities market. Countries will practicably give their currency to us rather than mobilize that many semi trucks for an exchange." CFO Getz stated.

United Nations TaskForce L237 moving to Epsilon Eridani

U.N. security forces are moving to the Epsilon Eridani system after rogue elements of the Lichtenstein Solar Flotilla lead an assault capturing the Freeport orbital facility. The Lichtenoog* Diplomatic envoy to the U.N. general assembly stunned by the claim of an aggressive naval posture released the following statement from his Manhattan Fondue Restaurant. "I stand dismayed and shocked that any one of our fine naval patriots would dare take any non provoked action against targets hostile or not without thoroughly employing the use of prolonged and bewildering diplomatic channels. I believe these actions to be a fabrication and a full military tribunal shall be assembled as soon as we can locate the three ships in our fleet. I will also inquire to the location and alibi of the Swiss Task force 2 as they are most often confused with our fleet..." Ambassador Fommer
* Lichtenoog :(DEF) Official formal adjective of Lichtenstein. Adopted in 2034 replacing the antiquated term Liechtensteiner as it consumed to many characters to effectively be used for state issued Twitter announcements.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Pan African Economics Back in the Black

Political squabbling still continues over the liberation of Epsilon Eradani after UN Task force 624 restored security to the system’s shipping lanes nearly a month ago. The United nations opting not to garrison the sector have contracted the private firm Black on Black-Water, a PAN-African security company that specializes in discount private sector protection and sports the slogan: “Mutha’ fuc’er yo’ shitz safe with us.”

Implication of corruption surrounding Black on Black Water has surfaced concerning the political ties CEO Joseph Bouti to his Half Brother Prime Minister Holland Boudi head of the Peoples’ African National Islamic Coalition. P.A.N.I.C. currently holds a two thirds majority in the African National Congress and key positions it the Military High Command. For two years Pan African delegates have appealed for a post on the United Nations Security Council but have been denied due to allegations of human rights abuses, the disregarding of tariff and embargo restrictions and ignoring the dress code in the UN General Assembly.

The Pan African representative, Chairman Tooka Dumph has insured that the privately contracted security forces of his nation play no active role in the interference of free market trade or transport. He also added that favoritism in African goods and service is the trend of this open market and should be accepted as a sign of growing prosperity for his nation.

Chairman Tooka Dumph In Address to the UN General Assembly:

“Yo Nigga’s give it up! Brutha Dumph in da House. Lizzen up, we gotz the shiznti you want, you nigga’s got the paper we need to stack. Put down the dead presidents n’will drop the shit off at your mu’fuc’n crib. You want Grain? We grow it. Bling? We mine it. Gatz? Cap every nappy fucker you see. We up out’a here, PEACE!”

Ebonic to English Translation:” ladies and gentleman, diplomats and councilors, I present Chairman Tooka Dumph to the Assembly floor. Your attention please, the Pan African States offer a wide array of goods to the galaxy for a fair price. This Economic exchange will be mutually beneficial for both your colonies and our hard working people and delivery will be in a timely manner. Our Wheat and barley yields are high and ready for delivery. Our mineral deposits are pure and abundant. Our machinists produce the finest hardware in the galaxy and no one can dispute its quality. I close my address with questions from the press before I take my leave, Salutations.”

Friday, November 12, 2010

The heir of Lichtenstine is under Scrutiny of Swabian Luege

The heir of Lichtenstein is under Scrutiny of Swabian Luege to Return to throne and represent Royal obligations to honor thier ancient lease dating back to 1807.
Rolland-Adam the 9th pictured here: an accused carefree interstellar playboy and primary target of the tabloid “Blid”, is allegedly negotiating mining rights between Exxon\Gerber and the Principaut√© de Monaco colony on Berrasoc. The effeminate royal schooled at Harvard is engaged to Interstellar Supermodel Corvey Illatease who according to the princes’ press spokesman met through The Lease binds the land rights to the healthy male heir to the throne and in an absence forfeits all territory to the German Bundesrat.

The Tabloid “Blid” claims a discrete search is being conducted for a segregate mother to carry the royal heir to term as to not damage the career of Corvey, 5 time cover model to Vanity Fair. It is also rumored that the two have never actually met face to face and have employed consorts to courtship in their place.

Deep Space Pirate Operations neutralized by UN Task Force

The U.N. security council in a press conference earlier today reported that a multinational task force under the command of a Swiss Expeditionary flotilla exposed and captured a former research station being used as a port of Piracy. According to the Epsilon Eradini Orbital customs Authority, the pirates have operated in this system for 38 months but their organization and armament before last year have been little more than a nuisance. “Back in January we were on a sweep of an Ice cluster just outside of Culver 6, rather routine I might add. Out of nowhere a frigate, Eagle class vessel I believe, appeared, took out our engine with deadly accuracy, and left us adrift.” (Captain Rubblen of the CZS Opus-Delirium.)

To combat this continued disruption of commerce the United Nations composed a multinational task force lead by a Swiss flotilla to seek, engage, and, neutralize all vessels with no legitimate purpose in international shipping lanes. “Actually the operation was so covert we didn’t even know we had ships in that sector, task force, or that quadrant. In fact which ever unarmed medical and supply ships we committed to the United Nations for this admirable cause will have the admiration of our nation and the attention of our naval command…” Ambassador Muerur, Swiss Delegate to the UN.

Gravity of Litigation Outweighed by Weight of the World

Geneva,Switz. Earth GMT 1500hrs

The Academy of Astrophysics announced that Pluto has regained its former Planetary Status today as it has managed to meet or exceed all set criteria imposed on it by a council of probationary planetologist. In the early 20th century the Astronomers of Ancient earth observing the cold, un-nurturing, slothful nature of the then planet Pluto, revoked its status and consequently legal representation as an autonomous orbital body. At first this had no noticeable effect other that the economic boost on earth’s text book publishing industry to reissue outdated material to billions of educational institutions. For nearly 200 years of apathy in Astronomy circles the former planet was neglected scientifically. In 2130 Disney/Saab sued the now unclassified solar vagrant for the unlicensed use of the name “Pluto” sending the already bankrupt mass into further litigation. With nothing more than a steady Orbital obligation Disney claimed the deed to its solar revolution as collateral against back payments. “If the truth were known Disney/Saab never really wanted the trillions owed it by our client, but plans later surfaced about a Low Gravitational Production of Wall-E on Ice. ” The unclassified gravitational mass formally known as Pluto’s representatives remarked.

In 2240 the military used the former planet as a weapons testing area for ground breaking research in long range fusion weaponry and torpedo development. It was later sold as government surplus at .08 cents an acre. Because of its diminished status, for about 80 years Pluto severed as a dumping ground for Medical, radioactive and toxic waste building up layer after layer of sedimentary mass. While such unregulated waste management was made illegal in 2044 on Earth, Moon fills still remain unrestricted. “To our surprise, a survey cruiser last year reported that the former planet’s gravitation strength has increased by.1 percent due to continual dumping well qualifying it for planetary status. The monumental paradox the Star system now faces is Legally we are bound to environmentally clean up a planet that once returned to its former state we have no legal obligation to maintain” commented senator Grundwald.