Monday, November 15, 2010

Pan African Economics Back in the Black

Political squabbling still continues over the liberation of Epsilon Eradani after UN Task force 624 restored security to the system’s shipping lanes nearly a month ago. The United nations opting not to garrison the sector have contracted the private firm Black on Black-Water, a PAN-African security company that specializes in discount private sector protection and sports the slogan: “Mutha’ fuc’er yo’ shitz safe with us.”

Implication of corruption surrounding Black on Black Water has surfaced concerning the political ties CEO Joseph Bouti to his Half Brother Prime Minister Holland Boudi head of the Peoples’ African National Islamic Coalition. P.A.N.I.C. currently holds a two thirds majority in the African National Congress and key positions it the Military High Command. For two years Pan African delegates have appealed for a post on the United Nations Security Council but have been denied due to allegations of human rights abuses, the disregarding of tariff and embargo restrictions and ignoring the dress code in the UN General Assembly.

The Pan African representative, Chairman Tooka Dumph has insured that the privately contracted security forces of his nation play no active role in the interference of free market trade or transport. He also added that favoritism in African goods and service is the trend of this open market and should be accepted as a sign of growing prosperity for his nation.

Chairman Tooka Dumph In Address to the UN General Assembly:

“Yo Nigga’s give it up! Brutha Dumph in da House. Lizzen up, we gotz the shiznti you want, you nigga’s got the paper we need to stack. Put down the dead presidents n’will drop the shit off at your mu’fuc’n crib. You want Grain? We grow it. Bling? We mine it. Gatz? Cap every nappy fucker you see. We up out’a here, PEACE!”

Ebonic to English Translation:” ladies and gentleman, diplomats and councilors, I present Chairman Tooka Dumph to the Assembly floor. Your attention please, the Pan African States offer a wide array of goods to the galaxy for a fair price. This Economic exchange will be mutually beneficial for both your colonies and our hard working people and delivery will be in a timely manner. Our Wheat and barley yields are high and ready for delivery. Our mineral deposits are pure and abundant. Our machinists produce the finest hardware in the galaxy and no one can dispute its quality. I close my address with questions from the press before I take my leave, Salutations.”

Friday, November 12, 2010

The heir of Lichtenstine is under Scrutiny of Swabian Luege

The heir of Lichtenstein is under Scrutiny of Swabian Luege to Return to throne and represent Royal obligations to honor thier ancient lease dating back to 1807.
Rolland-Adam the 9th pictured here: an accused carefree interstellar playboy and primary target of the tabloid “Blid”, is allegedly negotiating mining rights between Exxon\Gerber and the Principaut√© de Monaco colony on Berrasoc. The effeminate royal schooled at Harvard is engaged to Interstellar Supermodel Corvey Illatease who according to the princes’ press spokesman met through The Lease binds the land rights to the healthy male heir to the throne and in an absence forfeits all territory to the German Bundesrat.

The Tabloid “Blid” claims a discrete search is being conducted for a segregate mother to carry the royal heir to term as to not damage the career of Corvey, 5 time cover model to Vanity Fair. It is also rumored that the two have never actually met face to face and have employed consorts to courtship in their place.

Deep Space Pirate Operations neutralized by UN Task Force

The U.N. security council in a press conference earlier today reported that a multinational task force under the command of a Swiss Expeditionary flotilla exposed and captured a former research station being used as a port of Piracy. According to the Epsilon Eradini Orbital customs Authority, the pirates have operated in this system for 38 months but their organization and armament before last year have been little more than a nuisance. “Back in January we were on a sweep of an Ice cluster just outside of Culver 6, rather routine I might add. Out of nowhere a frigate, Eagle class vessel I believe, appeared, took out our engine with deadly accuracy, and left us adrift.” (Captain Rubblen of the CZS Opus-Delirium.)

To combat this continued disruption of commerce the United Nations composed a multinational task force lead by a Swiss flotilla to seek, engage, and, neutralize all vessels with no legitimate purpose in international shipping lanes. “Actually the operation was so covert we didn’t even know we had ships in that sector, task force, or that quadrant. In fact which ever unarmed medical and supply ships we committed to the United Nations for this admirable cause will have the admiration of our nation and the attention of our naval command…” Ambassador Muerur, Swiss Delegate to the UN.

Gravity of Litigation Outweighed by Weight of the World

Geneva,Switz. Earth GMT 1500hrs

The Academy of Astrophysics announced that Pluto has regained its former Planetary Status today as it has managed to meet or exceed all set criteria imposed on it by a council of probationary planetologist. In the early 20th century the Astronomers of Ancient earth observing the cold, un-nurturing, slothful nature of the then planet Pluto, revoked its status and consequently legal representation as an autonomous orbital body. At first this had no noticeable effect other that the economic boost on earth’s text book publishing industry to reissue outdated material to billions of educational institutions. For nearly 200 years of apathy in Astronomy circles the former planet was neglected scientifically. In 2130 Disney/Saab sued the now unclassified solar vagrant for the unlicensed use of the name “Pluto” sending the already bankrupt mass into further litigation. With nothing more than a steady Orbital obligation Disney claimed the deed to its solar revolution as collateral against back payments. “If the truth were known Disney/Saab never really wanted the trillions owed it by our client, but plans later surfaced about a Low Gravitational Production of Wall-E on Ice. ” The unclassified gravitational mass formally known as Pluto’s representatives remarked.

In 2240 the military used the former planet as a weapons testing area for ground breaking research in long range fusion weaponry and torpedo development. It was later sold as government surplus at .08 cents an acre. Because of its diminished status, for about 80 years Pluto severed as a dumping ground for Medical, radioactive and toxic waste building up layer after layer of sedimentary mass. While such unregulated waste management was made illegal in 2044 on Earth, Moon fills still remain unrestricted. “To our surprise, a survey cruiser last year reported that the former planet’s gravitation strength has increased by.1 percent due to continual dumping well qualifying it for planetary status. The monumental paradox the Star system now faces is Legally we are bound to environmentally clean up a planet that once returned to its former state we have no legal obligation to maintain” commented senator Grundwald.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Security Council Declaires War to Prevent Agression.

17 months ago the United Nations Security council unanimously passed measures that classify the Initiation of armed aggression against another sovereign nation a war crime that justifiably forces the Security Council to intervene on behalf of the non-aggressor. Since the announcement to the general assembly 702 representatives of the 782 attending diplomats, have filed 60,123 interdiction claims ranging from Orbital Genocide to world cup results. 7824 addendum have been added to the Non-aggression Edict since its announcement including 72 pages on the definition of terrorism, 4 paragraphs on paternity suites and 6,004 examples on the improper use of the word “Effect” and “Affect” in quoting post 20th century political Leaders. “ and moreover the affect that the security council’s policies have had on diplomacy has an everlasting effect to the unsettling discord affecting the already blurry lines of hired security forces, illegal privateering and colonization. Atrocities committed by cooperate entities, individual’s, and Private contractors fall outside the UN’s jurisdiction affectively” Quoted the Speaker of the council of Misinterpretation Resolution. When pressed for a judicial body to investigate claims of Non-War crimes against humanity the Security Council has claimed to have approached several NGO’s with in depth experience in Atrocity. The World Bank, the Catholic Church and Wal-Mart topped the list.