Sunday, April 12, 2009

9000 yr old Archeological site ties Swabian and Anglican Aggression to Ancestral Memory

Talheim Death Pit, Talheim, Germany.
Swiss scientists using a nanoscopic relief technique have reconstructed DNA fragments from remnant hair and deep marrow deposits found in fossils recovered from this 9 millennia old burial sight. These techniques first pioneered to stop aging processes in the Hollywood elite, inject a substitute nucleic acid in the decomposing chain of nucleotides replicating the original chemical structure. The same technique that has preserved Dick Clark for over 2 centuries, has been used to refill missing strands in the genetic blue print linking the remains at the burial site to ancient native Germanic tribes and warring factions of a migratory group that later settled in the La Marche Caves in modern France.

The genome of the ancient Germanic adversaries is found in 40 percent of modern day Anglicans through their pre-1066 Norman Heritage. The Death Pits 400 yards from the Neckar River is the location of the oldest know prehistoric Battle Site to exist; showing that Ancient Germans hold the second longest grudge in Human history, narrowly behind the Ancient Israelites vendetta on a former Palestinians pig farmer.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

World Cup Cricket Match Interupted by News of Royal Navy conflict, Public outraged.

Public out cry over a News report interrupting the World Cup Cricket match in the New Anglican Confederation has the British Broad Casting service apologizing to Billions of hostile viewers. Thomas Huchens of the Emergency Broad Cast Ministry has issued a 30 second long apology to sporting fans he plans to air immediately after Cup Final closing. "When ever that might be." Stated Huchens. The longest cricket match on record is 237 hours long, spanning nearly 17months of play. The News cast a brief bulletin about a minor scuffle between the Anglican Navy and the New Swavian leugue may prolong a week long disagreement occasionally interrupted by weapons fire, explosions and death. William Berksham of Sheffield an avid fan was quoted as saying" Ya think that the shooting could hold off a bit after Swansorn said after the victory that their fightback with the ball was the turning point. "We stayed patient when West Indies came out hard," he said. "If he's [Swansorn] hitting our bowlers off their lengths there's not much we can do. We stuck to our task and tried to bowl dots. They were looking to score 300 plus but we bowled well."

English to English translation: " Our brave soldiers sacrifice so much for us to live free."

1800hrs Earth Standard time
An emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council has been called to review all evidence that United Nations Peace keeping contingent 268 opened fire on neutral military vessels in the Iota Persei system hosting a armisist meeting between parties of the New Swabian Leugue and the New Anglican Confederation. Secretary General Yoni Suezuzi has issued the following statement until all evidence can be reviewed by a board of inquiry. " Please my fellow nations, I ask of you nothing more than prudent restraint. I know that tempers are at incendiary levels among traditional rival antagonist but before we waste human lives in viral barbaric conflict let us consider what we do not know. First, there is an element yet not revealed that caused an explosion in a poorly maintained orbital facility in an out of the way star system. Second an Expeditionary force fitted for escort duty, hardly a match for any single fleet opened fire on a host nation among no less than 4 Security council members. Third, strange should it be that a well televised peace accord has produced no reputable footage of the first 22minutes of weapons fire between military vessels including the wreckage of a GNN news ship that was boarded, plundered of all data records and crew spaced. Persevere our vengeful urges for peace and justice. Endeavour revenge and suffer fruitless wrath."

American Republic Inquires about refund.

The American Republic officially returned the Statue of Liberty to the Europian Union today claiming "Hey it just didn't work out...."
The 151ft , 450,000 lbs statue that once marked the entrance to New York Harbor was given to the emerging nation of America as a bond between France and her sister democracy. Dedicated 1886, the statue stood as a glorious oxidizing beacon to third world nations like an iconic billboard of the American dream. One Hundred years later the dull green exterior was replaced and a 24k gold coating was plated on the torch the colossus held aloft. This was later removed to boost the reinstated gold standard after the 2011 wall street collapse and replaced by a fiber optic network of shinny lights that a consciences of New York residents claimed to be "just as f' en good.." In 2130 after rising sea levels had all but made entrance to the statue impossible, the army corp of engineers moved the upper torso of the statue to its current beach front location in Elkins, West Virginia. Teresa McCoremack ,Secretary of The U.S. Park Service said "It was well and good that we return the statue to its former owners. I think things might have been different if the inscription read "Give me your Inspired, your Motivated,Your huddled masses yearning to invest in a free market economy,The recycled refuse of your teeming shore.Send these, the homeowners, investment-glossed to me.I lift my lamp beside the golden opportunity." Who knew who might have been attracted then?"

Eurasia Outraged!

Surrounded by the Posthumous images of Iconic Communist Figures Prime minister Nicholi Swenichez damanded the formal resignation of the United Nations Sectary General Yoni Suezuzi Former Nippon Foreign minister to the New Anglican Confederation.
Quote Swenichez: "There are things a foot here that wreak of western manipulation. Of the peaceful proceedings held on our own fertile soils despoiled by the vile conflicts of lesser nations. We the laborers have toiled too long and spilled our blood to bring about a nation of equilateral prosperity. The United Nations is a decrepit institution plagued by bureaucracy and red tape. Its time is nigh when our own sons and daughters are brain washed to fire on our own people with impunity. Our capabilities in these areas are centuries more efficient and we know manipulation when we see it."
The Prime Ministers speech also outlined a 7 year program to reform health care, improve bread distribution through a new set of forms requesting food ration stamps, and the lowering of the conscription to 15 years of age. The United Nations has been placing pressure on the ESU for years to consider human rights reforms, humanitarian aid to outer colonies, and open trade to core worlds. All have been met with little to no compromise.

Stranger Bed Fellows

In the Federated States of Europa protesters gathered in Liberte Plaza this evening to demand the release of Admiral Jean Le Pal Qua Commanding Naval officer of the 74 Flotilla assigned to the ill fated peace talks between the Anglican and Swabian Governments. Although no official statement release of the Euro government has been made, it is believed that the admiral will face court marshall after issuing orders to attack New Anglican vessels in neutral territory and escorting German Vessels from the area under French protection. An anonymous source has leaked that there has never been notable precedent to support such an absurd action in 300 years of Naval conflict. Le Pal Qua has been held in the De Gaul military Medical hospital awaiting psychiatric evaluation before trial.

A Swabian News Report

The Following Broadcast has been translated From Deucha to 322 comprehensible languages thanks to our generous sponsor The BableSoft Corporation. Bablesoft would like to remind you to update your universal translator software with the new "WORD! Mufuker 3.7" Ebonics add on pack. Now on to the Broadcast.
Greetings, this is a special Deutchland news report. VAR!!! VAR!!!! VAR!!!! That is what the Reichstagg chanted today after an unanimous decision to declare war on the Anglican people. After defeating the Anglican fleets in orbit of Tu-Tu-Gonnga last week, the Deutchland League was lead into a trap within Russian borders earlier this evening. Under a banner of truce, the Anglican people destroyed a local orbital station, killing our German diplomats, and Vice Admiral Botchup. Admiral Botchup was a fine solider serving his nation in the pursuit of lasting peace and will be missed by his surviving widow, 3 sons, 2 mistress and a championship Shiatsu. Speculations on why the Anglicans destroyed the station are ramped but popular theory stems from the United Nations vote in favor of M.C. Anubatee-Shalqua being the rightful leader of the planet in question. Regardless of motivation, one thing is certain, our forces still under a banner of truce, were attempting to withdraw from the docking coler of the station to prevent the possibility of collateral damage when they were fired on by Anglican Aggressors. The Anglicans where hailed to cease fire; they declined and fired again. Hopelessly outgunned, and out manned, the Deutchland fleet fought on, destroying all but two Anglican ships.
While our gallant naval personnel were turning the Anglican fleet into rubble, the U.N. peace keeping contingent attacked the Russian garrison fleet to what motivation our political officers are still analyzing. This was a costly mistake, since the Russians made quick work of the U.N. vessels. The Russians hailed the Deutchland League claiming that they had recovered dead U.N. personnel from the wreckage. (Editors Note: Some of the bodies were reported to have been shot by small arms fire at close range, no one has confirmed this and the Russian fleet has since incinerated the remains of the crew to questionably prevent the spread of disease on this minor outpost.) The Russians have not made a claim on cause or effect, but it is clear from the Deutchland perspective that the Anglicans and the U.N. have an alliance to keep the Deutchland interests fouled. Unfortunately the U.N. is finding that the Anglicans may make poor allies, since one U.N. ship was reported destroyed by the Anglican batteries.

The Supreme Chancellor of the Deutchland League made this statement just a short time ago..... "Vhile ve do not approve of zee U.N. siding with zee enemy, ve are villing to overlook dis one time error, if they join in zee glorious var against zee Angilcan people. Also the U.N. must now claim that Tu-Tu-Gonnga is indeed a separate colony under the protection of zee Gross Deutchland League. At dis time it's borders are closed to all ships but ours, and M.C. Anubatee-Shalqua's personal fleet. Also a 100,000 Swabian credit bounty is put on the hull of every Anglican ship. Should anyone capture one, and it's crev, they can come to any Deutchland planet and give the vessel and the crev over to the proper authorities to collect zee bounty."
....In other news tonight, while the Anglicans were losing in space, they were losing to the people of Deutchland in the women's table hockey galactic championships. The German team beat the Anglican women 37-0 to claim yet another galactic championship.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Special Report: Kappa Conflict

Scattered reports are filtering in from correspondents on Kappa-Phoenicia. Eye witnesses have reported debris falling into the upper atmosphere from what seems to be starships in a heated conflict between the desolate world and its single moon. GNN is dispatching news boats to the location to cover the story as it unfolds. The associated press is reporting that on the planet's surface crowds are gathering to chant slogans and make signs saying things like "Kappa yo Ass" and "Just say NINE! to Anglica". Officially no word has been realised about the conflict by either the Anglican or Swabian government, although in a related story the Federated States of Europa have Released both a unconditional Surrender and a Declaration of Victory in the conflict by separate branches of the Parliament.